Begging for Mortality
by Pafoof
Summary: AU. Living forever with the love of your life should be wonderful. Is immortality a gift or a curse?


Disclaimer: Yeah I don't own anything you recognize. If any torchwood fans read this I am sure you recognize some ideas and I don't own them or any JKR brilliance.

I hope you guys enjoy this!

Begging for Mortality

Living forever can't always be a good thing

James Potter was an idiot, no matter how much time passed. He had been a stupid, desperate nineteen year old boy when his best friends died. He was never one to accept things he didn't like and this was no exception. Four months after Remus had faded into blackness he found himself gasping for air, bare naked, with James hovering over him in a forest God only knew where. He was grinning and holding out a robe which Remus numbly took.

'I died, I know I died. I felt it, but now I am breathing. What the hell James?" Remus said in wonder as heslipped the robe over his shoulders and looked around in wonder at things he had thought were lost forever. It all looked the same but somehow muted. The colors weren't as bright and the sounds weren't as sharp. He could still hear Moony in his head but even that was not as bitterly annoying as it had been before.

James suddenly grabbed him and pulled him into a bone crushing hug. Tears wet his neck and Remus wondered at the sorrow James could feel over him. Why was he back but Sirius wasn't? James was much closer to Sirius, always had been. Unless Sirius hadn't died...but he could have sworn...

"I brought you back. It worked, bloody hell, it really worked. I will never again say all Dark magic is bad. Remus, Moony, I love you." The words threw Remus completely off-kilter and he stared flabbergasted at the open emotions the young Potter hadn't shown for years now. After his father had passed in fifth year James had become muted and had never said love in relation to anything since. No one said it much, it was too terrifying to lose someone you love so you buried those feelings so losing it wouldn't hurt so much.

Not that this tactic ever worked, most of the time it made things harder.

"I love you too Prongs, but I still don't understand." James smiled as he pulled away and started off to the edge of whatever wood they happened to be in.

"I found Sirius' book, the one he would never let the rest of us read. I was sobbing and missing him and all that jazz when I found this spell. It was the last bloody one in the book but I still can't believe it worked." The breath was stolen from Remus' chest as he comprehended that James had been cruel enough to bring him back without Sirius, the one person he cared about the most.

"You brought me back without Padfoot? Are you a complete idiot? How do you expect – how could you _ever_ expect – I can't believe you!" James caught his hand just as it was about to be sunk into the side of his face.

"I did it for both of you, of course I would. It wasn't supposed to be used twice and I didn't think you would work but I had to try. I would have killed Padfoot myself if it hadn't worked for both of you but on the off chance..." James trailed off and Remus still struggled to wrap his mind around the fact he had a second chance. It wouldn't be a big deal, no one knew they had died, one of the perks of being secret. They both had taken a drink that had been poisoned and had died in the dead of night. James must have been determined from the moment he realized they weren't coming back and hidden their bodies.

Remus saw Sirius standing on a street corner huddled into his old leather coat smoking a cigarette and stamping his feet against the cold. He ran to his boyfriend and quickly took his customary place inside the old leather too as Sirius wrapped his arms around him.

"Well, this promises to be interesting Moony." Sirius trailed a hand through his hair and Remus sighed at the implication that this miracle had to have a side effect of some sort.

"It always is."

What an underestimation that turned out to be.

Remus has come back from the dead sixty-two times until he decides he wants a child.

Sirius dies ninety-three before he agrees.

The second war raged around them as fierce as the first one and their best friend's son was on the front lines, just like his father. It had been hard living through James leaving them with so much resentment between them. Even after eighteen years neither of them can fully forgive James for what he did. They more than understand, but forgiveness is hard to dish out. Remus figures they will eventually, they have eternity after all.

The spell James had cast had made them immortal, they would never die no matter how hard they tried. One third of his deaths, Remus had committed suicide to no avail. It just wouldn't work. No matter how strong the desire had been death would never claim him again. There was only one thing that makes the horror of eternity fade.

That thing is buried inside of Remus and still howling his name after all this time.

Their rhythm still wasn't constant even after all this time. Sirius was unpredictable and Remus loved it. There was no routine with this man and Remus doubted there ever would be. Remus was being stretched with their beloved baseball bat and he knew it wouldn't be long before Sirius would have to claim him with his own leaking cock.

Sure enough moments later Sirius slowly removed the bat and reached for a condom in the drawer next to their bed. Remus grabbed his wrist and kissed it tenderly. He cupped Sirius' face in his hands and looked him straight in the eye.

'I want a baby Sirius, I want a puppy. I want a life to enjoy. You told me you wanted one and it's time."

Sirius was quiet for a long moment. "In the middle of a war? You want this? I'm with you every step and although we can't die a baby still is risky in a war."

Remus nodded firmly and pulled Sirius in for a kiss. Their tongues entwined and Sirius shoved into him with all the force he could and as deep as he could. He was buried inside him, just the was Remus liked it. He let Sirius do as he liked until he came so hard his whole body shook. Remus smiled as he stroked Sirius' hair and could imagine the life growing inside him.

Remus screamed as he pushed for the third time. Sirius swore and tried to ease his grip but Remus clung tighter. He knew he might be breaking his boyfriend's hand but the immeasurable pain made his regard for others vanish. He knew that any moment it would be over but for right now he felt as though it would never end.

"Remus god damn! You broke a finger babe, please let up. I won't be able to hold our kid once it's born at this rate." Sirius pleaded. Remus faintly noted his words and let go to grip the sheets instead. A wail filled the air as the healer cradled their young son. Sirius already had tears streaming down his face and they dripped onto Remus as he kissed every part he could find. Remus gave a tired laugh and leaned against Sirius' strong chest.

Before long Teddy was clean and ready to be presented to his parents. Remus carefully cradled Teddy to his chest and thought of doing the same to Harry nearly twenty years before. Although it was so sweet to be free of any bitterness or jealousy. Teddy was all he wanted.

"Remus, why is his hair blue?" Sirius asked hoarsely as he came around to gaze fondly at the new born and stroked a soft finger over his head. "Could he be like Tonks?"

Remus' smile grew as he finally caught the purple hue of his big eyes. "I can't think of any other explanation. Oh Sirius, he's so unbelievably perfect."

Sirius suddenly turned away and gazed out the window. "Yeah, we'll have him forever. Until he passes away...I could kill James."

"How can you be thinking that? He's just been born Sirius! Focus on today." Remus was careful to keep his words soft to not upset the infant lying trustingly in his arms. Sirius ran a hand through his hair and returned to the bed. Sirius cupped his husband's face in one hand before picking up Theodore Alan Lupin tenderly.

"I'm going to show you the world." Sirius whispered into his son's wisps of hair. "All the good there is to find in it I will help you discover. I will make sure you never have to wonder what to fight for." He kissed the child on the forehead as they both gazed into the skyline of London.

A five year old was a handful at any time but three in the morning was too much for anyone, even an experienced parent. Sirius rubbed his eyes once again as Teddy bounced around the living room. Sirius had given him headphones and Teddy loved them almost a little too much. He was never a boy that liked to sing so there are small blessings in the middle of the night. It was Teddy's fifth birthday and his first day of kindergarten. It was like having ice cream and a candy bar all in one for the small boy. Teddy had begun bouncing at around two and showed no signs of stopping.

Even though he was absolutely exhausted Sirius had to smile. He was very happy with their little family. It was the best thing that had happened to him thus far. He rarely spent time alone with his son and it was valuable when he did. Mostly it was the three of them or just Remus and Teddy. Sirius had never imagined being a dad when all his friends were having babies left and right. To be honest, he didn't imagine it when Remus told him he was pregnant either but he soon got used to the idea. Teddy was the best child he could have asked for. Well behaved with a little mischievous streak that kept him laughing at least once a day.

As five rolled around Sirius scooped Teddy up and plucked the headphones from his ears. He kissed him on the cheek and carried him into the kitchen.

"Dad!" Teddy protested. " I wanna listen! No fair! I get to do anything I want 'cause it's my birthday, don't you know that?"

Sirius chuckled. "Yes, but the birthday boy needs to eat today and you can help me make it. Don't you like that?"

Teddy's face brightened considerably when he discovered he would be allowed to cook on his birthday. It was mostly stirring but it kept him involved enough to keep him happy. The best thing, or one of them, was that he was a completely open book. He had no hesitation to share his every thought about any given topic. This morning, of course, it was his party that night and his first day of school.

They worked in peace for an hour before Remus woke and whisked Teddy away for a bath. In no time Teddy was dressed and fed and had his small backpack settled on his shoulders. He stood by the door as Remus fretted.

"Do you think he has everything Sirius? I don't want him to be missing anything he needs on the first day! Will he be warm enough in that? It's chillier than usual for September." Sirius responded by wrapping his arms around him and kissing him firmly despite Teddy's loud protests in the background.

"I think our son is more than ready. Let him have fun, while we plan for his ridiculously big party." Sirius' tone grew bitter toward the end and Remus tossed him a mild glare as he kissed Teddy on both cheeks and the forehead before ushering him out the door to go catch his school bus. As he walked away they could see flashes of colors at his roots as he skipped to the end of the street.

Remus leaned his head against the door and sighed deeply.

"Galleon for your thoughts?" Sirius asked even though he knew that Remus didn't particularly like that saying. For once Remus had no rant about cliché sayings and just kept his position.

"Why does it feel like we are letting him go? It's only kindergarten. He doesn't even go for a full day half the time for fuck's sake! I don't know why I'm being like this, it's ridiculous." Sirius pulled out his beloved cigarettes and opened a window.

"Well, we are. It isn't ridiculous. Trust me, you have more reason than most of those daft mothers who will be at that bus stop today. It makes you realize how short of a time we are really going to have with him. We will be there for every second, painful and happy. There will be the day he wants independence and to be rid of us in a way. I try not to think about it but it hurts worse than most anything. Definitely worth it but it sure stings like a bitch." Sirius flicked the butt out the window as he heard a soft whimper behind him.

Remus had moved from the door and stared at him looking a little lost. They stared at each other and faced reality like they hadn't for the last five years. It was going to be a long road ahead of them.

"Sirius! Backyard in ten, be there!" Teddy streamed through the house and tossed the comment to his father sitting on the couch. Teddy swooped over and kissed Remus on the cheek before dropping his sneakers at the bottom of the stairs.

"In your room please, Teddy." Remus reprimanded gently. Teddy turned on his heel and obediently ran upstairs to put his shoes in his room.

"Any ideas of this emergency backyard meeting?" Sirius asked his husband who had a lost look on his face with a bemused smile touching his lips.

"No idea, but hopefully it won't be long. Teddy has a big day tomorrow." At these words Sirius stood and busied his hands. He couldn't think of tomorrow without having a pocket of panic tuck itself into his gut. He grabbed a cigarette and headed into the backyard. The sun had just started to set and long shadows were cast over the yard. The aged swing set still sat in their backyard, he really had to take it down sooner or later. He wearily sat on one of the swings and gently swung back and forth as he waited for his son.

Teddy had grown so much over the last five years. He was so bright and intelligent. He was friendly and loved his cousins James, Albus and Lily. He had grown up strong and proved to have the same gentle nature as Remus and controlled his wolf well. They needed to get on a name for him but for now it was just his wolf. He seemed to be so grown up already and tomorrow Sirius would lose his little boy forever. He could not kid himself to think that his son would the same innocent sweet little boy as he was now. Hogwarts changed kids and made them into being their own person. They had to live on their own and form opinions without their parents at their shoulders telling them what is right and what isn't.

It was killing him.

Teddy bounded out of the house and leapt down the back porch steps and winced as the screen door slammed shut behind him. He always forgot to shut it softly. Sirius could only picture Remus shaking his head while rubbing his temples. There really was no better man to spend eternity with.

"Dad, we're playing catch. Please?" Teddy had a quaffle in his hands and Sirius nodded as he stood up. Silence filled the air as father and son tossed the bright red ball between them with only the soft thud of them catching it breaking it. Sirius knew something was wrong the longer they played, his hair slowly turned a dull brown and slowly faded to ebony.

" What's on your mind Ted?"

Teddy paused momentarily before launching the quaffle across the yard again. "Hogwarts, I just don't know about it. It's so far away and so alone. What if someone finds out about me and then I won't ever have any friends? I'm scared." Teddy let the quaffle sail over his shoulder as Sirius tossed it his way to land in the grass behind him.

Sirius had a million memories running through his mind as he took a few steps closer to Teddy. He thought Remus would probably do much better at easing his fears but Teddy had chosen to come to him and he would do his best to fulfill expectations. "Teddy, son, you're going to be just fine. I know you don't know that yet, but I do. You're the best a father could ask for and the kids are going to love you. And if they don't then it's their loss." Sirius closed the distance between them and cupped Teddy's face in his hands. "Please don't change Teddy. Dad and I love you so much, just as you are baby." Teddy nodded but still looked terrified. Sirius wrapped him in his arms around him tightly and Teddy leaned his head against Sirius' chest.

Remus looked out the back door and decided to join the duo cuddled in the backyard. Sirius extracted an arm to wrap around his husband as Remus nuzzled Teddy's hair breathing in deeply.

"Scared baby?" Teddy nodded and turned to hug Remus fully. They exchanged bitter smiles as they held Teddy tightly as darkness slowly settled around them. Slowly Teddy's hair returned to blue.

The household was tense and Sirius grumbled as he vacuumed the living room for the fourth time. He did not see the need for the preciseness. It wasn't as if the Minister were coming over, just Teddy's boyfriend. He roughly switched off the machine and rolled the cord around his hand. Teddy's gangly form swept past him into the kitchen and he peered into the fridge. Sirius smacked his ass as he walked by.

"Hey, we just made a bloody three course meal for you guys. I don't want you snooping!

Teddy pulled his head out looking slightly sheepish. "But I'm hungry."

"No, you're nervous. Although I've no idea why, we're hardly an embarrassment. It was your choice to make this formal meeting so you have to live with it."

"Be nice," Remus snapped. He lithely moved through the kitchen to check on various dishes that were on the stove. Teddy went over and helped stir the gravy. Remus smiled at him and took his hand gently. Sirius shook his head and went to peer out the front window with hands buried deeply in his pockets.

When Teddy had come home last year and told them he fancied boys it wasn't much of a surprise. He had always been a touchy child and had grown up with their example. Having a boyfriend was different than fancying boys. This was real, this was a person Teddy would give his gentle heart to and Sirius knew all too well that there were so many people that would be out to take what they could and break it. It was just a further step away from them and Sirius hated it. He was startled by the knock on the door and Teddy flew past him to open it.

The boy revealed was no one special, just an ordinary kid. He had acne on his chin still and held a single flower in his left hand. Sirius snorted as Teddy gushed over it and then gently teased him. He made himself go join Remus in the kitchen.

His love was hunched at the table taking slow cautious breaths, in through his nose and out through his mouth. Sirius began to rub his shoulders and Remus twisted his head to look at him.

"So? Is he a disaster?"

"Nah, just an ordinary bloke. He brought Teddy a flower though so he's a bit of a pansy." Remus snorted and hit him gently in reprimand.

"Sirius, he's terrified of what we'll think. Be gentle, will you?"

Three courses later the boys were off for a walk and Sirius was deep in thought. Remus didn't know what to think. He didn't trust anyone to make Teddy completely happy but this Alex kid was a start. He couldn't fairly say he didn't like him but had trouble admitting to himself that he did. Alex was from a simple muggle family and cared for Teddy enormously. That was what mattered, or what was supposed to matter anyway. Teddy was still his little boy and he didn't want his happiness coming from anywhere but him. It was a selfish thought but it was the truth.

"Sirius, come on. Tell me whats bothering you."\

"The same thing that's bugging you. It pulls at your heart until you think it's going to tear in two. I want Teddy to be happy and to have friends. But it feels like each time he gets close to another person its a little tug in the wrong direction. Another step away from us on a road that isn't that long. Since the moment that child was born I have agonized over it and each day it hurts a little more. Don't you feel it?"

Remus gave a bitter chuckle. "Why the fuck do you think I've tried to commit suicide for the last fifteen years nearly constantly though I know I will never die? I know very well that it hurts Sirius. Teddy is my entire world and I am terrified to know what to do without him." Remus couldn't continue as his throat got a lump in it. Sirius scooted the chair out and Remus took the invitation. He curled up in Sirius' lap and buried his head in Sirius' neck as the tears soaked the neckline of his t-shirt. It was hard not to obsess over death when it was the one thing you didn't understand, you would never understand.

There was a hole in the white tablecloth that Remus found rather ironic. It was a blemish in the seemingly perfect thing, kind of like what was going on today. They were supposed to put on the facade of happy parents that are watching their son get married to the love of his life. It was very possible that James Potter was Teddy's love and that they would be very happy together but the parents were the problem. It was time to face the fear of Teddy going off on his own. He would move into a flat with James moments after their honeymoon was over and it would never be the same.

He stood and hurried into the room that held an altar and an official that would bind the couple for life. He sat next to Sirius and immediately gripped his hand. It wouldn't be completely fair to say that he wasn't happy at all. James was a good man like his father and kept Teddy laughing and his hair blue. He was happy that Teddy had found his Sirius. The person that would light up every one of his days and bring peace to all his nights. It was the best thing that a person could hope to find in this life and he was so glad that Teddy had.

"You do think that James is good for Teddy?" Remus asked. He thought he knew but he also needed Sirius' opinion on the matter.

"If I knew that I'd be a lot less anxious. I really hope so. James is a pretty great bloke but a little unpredictable for my tastes."

Remus smiled as he kissed Sirius' ear and nipped the lobe. "Just like a certain man I happen to know. How coincidental. If James turns out half as amazing I think Teddy will be in fabulous hands." Sirius smiled as his neck turned slightly pink.

The ceremony was beautiful and it was over nearly too soon. Teddy kissed James passionately over the altar and Remus smiled as Teddy's hair went quickly from his own shade of brown to the exact blue he had on the day he was born. Teddy would be just fine.

It took a lot to get Remus mad, it really did. He had put up with Sirius for over fifty years now and he had learned a great deal of patience. Sirius had forgotten to do essential things, teased him too far, and had been reckless far too often. He had forgotten their anniversary more than once and still Remus did not get furious over these matters.

It took even more to get Remus mad at his son.

Low and behold Remus was livid as he waited for Teddy outside his clothing outlet he had created. He locked up at eight every night and Remus was there at seven fifty-two. He growled low in his throat and really tried to reign his temper in. It would be no good to lose his temper and would do nothing productive but seeing Sirius that hysterical over something Teddy had said and that had sent him into orbit.

Teddy was donning red hair today as he locked up. He wore tasteful sweaters, a trend he had undoubtedly picked up from Remus, and a pair of tight jeans. He had James' newest manuscript under his arm. It seemed that James was well on his way to a second novel.

"Teddy," Remus nearly growled. Teddy froze in his tracks and Remus stepped in front of him and looked straight into green eyes. They changed to hazel as he grew more wary and cautious of the look on his father's face that was so rarely there. Remus quickly had him against a brick wall and Teddy was scared shitless.

"D-dad? What's wrong? What have I done?" Teddy may be thirty but his father could make him feel eight again in a second.

"You have ruined him, Teddy, how could you?"

"What are you talking about? Ruined who?"

Remus ran a hand through his hair and brought his face centimeters from his son's. Their mingled breath heated the air between them. "Sirius has never been alright with being immortal. He has agonized over it since he died the first time. He hated it before you were a thought that crossed our minds. He lost his best friend and knew what pain was. He lost his uncle and wanted the universe to swallow him whole. He has kept me together through losing my whole family and more friends than you could imagine. Can you even picture what kind of strength that must have taken? Have you any idea?"

"Well, sure, but what's that got to do with-"

"You had the nerve to tell him to get out of your life because he embarrassed you. He embarrassed you because he got no older and it would look weird to your friends. It made you feel old. Whatever fucking other excuses you used. Sirius hasn't cried that hard since your Uncle James' funeral. It killed him. I have never seen a man love as completely as he does. He has always been terrified of losing you since the day we sent you off to kindergarten."

"I had no idea." Teddy gasped, his voice thick with unshed tears. "But Dad, it is sort of weird. I didn't mean to hurt him but James is a little weirded out by it." Teddy turned his face away and looked down the deserted street. "You really don't think this has ever affected me? That I've never thought what it meant to have immortal parents? You taught me to question everything and most of the time that has been a very good thing but for a few things it has been horrible. Face it Dad, I am nothing more than a moment in time for you. I've heard you talking about another kid and in another fifty years I'll be a dim recollection. The things you will see, the live you will live, the people will live, how could I be anything more? You're going to forget me, and it probably shouldn't hurt but it does."

Remus felt his anger fade and pulled his son into his arms. Teddy's hair slowly changed colors as he began to chew on his dad's fingers gently to ease the pain in his teeth. Remus stroked his hair and murmured. "I will never forget you Teddy. I promise you that. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and I love you more than you could ever know."

There was a pop and Sirius appeared ten feet from them. Remus and Teddy parted to stare at the new arrival. Sirius walked over to them and folded his arms tightly across his chest.

"First of all," Sirius began. "I didn't want you to say anything to him. He had to come to see things on his own. But now that you have, as I see by the way Teddy is looking at me like I'm fragile, I suppose I better add some things." Sirius started forward and put his hands gently on Teddy's shoulders.

"Yes, we are going to have more children Teddy. We like having a little someone to take care of and love. It is painful when you know that you will lose them but it is amazing to see the people they become. The changes they make to society and what lives they affect. We will likely forget you eventually, neither of us have any sort of perfect memory. If that happens that did not mean you didn't affect our lives, it just means that too much time has passed."

"Dad, I didn't want to hurt you. I just- James- it wasn't that I didn't love you. I do, I just don't know what to tell him." Teddy said hurriedly. Sirius nodded and let go of him.

"You can tell him the truth or you can tell him nothing. I understand, and if you really want us to stay away then we will. We had thirty five great years with you and that's enough. It hurts to let you go but if it makes you happy then that is what will happen." Remus made a choked noise and Sirius moved behind him to enfold him in an embrace. Teddy looked between them looking lost. His hair turned orange and he bit his lip.

"I love you both but it would be too many people to explain to. I will come visit you guys when I can but please stay away from my family. It'll just get too messy. If I tell James then when will the telling stop? We'll tell our children and our neighbors and our friends, it's just too much. I hope you understand." Teddy's voice got smaller as he talked and he hoped they would understand.

Remus and Sirius nodded and each stepped forward for one last hug. The alley was soon empty once again and all three hoped that things would work out the way they planned.

-fin-


End file.
